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"OH! TO SEE YOURSELF AS OTHERS SEE YOU!"

Dear Kathryn: If this isn't a case of blatant sexual discrimination, nothing is.

I've been vying for a management job within my division for ages now. I've proved myself again and again and finally thought my time had come. The selection came down between me, or a male co-worker who's been here less time, and who is definitely less skilled. After two rounds of executive level management grilling, the decision was announced. He was getting the division management job, the big money, duties and promotion.

I went crazy with disappointment and immediately confronted my boss, a decision-maker in this game, as to why I didn't get the promotion. His answer: I was emotionally lacking and that some inappropriate responses I had demonstrated in the past caused the executive management committee to swing their vote to my male co-worker.

When I asked him specifically to what he was referring, he brought up year old incidences. The first, when I cried a bit after a terrible confrontation with a client, and then a few door-slamming incidences after particularly stressful meetings. He also said that I had been "bitchy" in brain-storming sessions and "whining" when my ideas were shut down. He said that while I had a lot of potential and talent, female emotions demonstrated in that manner weren't qualities that spelled management material. I naturally was livid and not so quietly, left his office.

Clearly, Kathryn, this all-male executive management committee relied on the weakest of reasoning to pass me up and I'm not going to stand for it.

When a male is staunch in their opinions and vocalize them they're seen as strong and authoritative. When a female speaks her piece in this company, it's labeled "bitchy" and whining. What can I do about this? Don't I have any legal backing here? He's slandering me by making these horrible comments, and actually causing me to PMS!

SUE T., New Haven, CT

Dear Sue:

I can appreciate your disappointment given your obvious efforts to excel and climb. While you'll probably like the legal response to your letter, you won't be as pleased with my advice.

As to your claim of "slander", while your boss's presentation of your deficiencies was less then diplomatic, unless he announced why you didn't get the job in a room full of other people, your slander claim has no legs.

As to the potential of a successful legal claim, I called upon Attorney Brian Clemow to comment. Brain tells me that you have what lawyers refer to as a "colorful claim"-you actually might have some facts to support your claim. If you could identify situations where your company promoted males that exhibited similar behavior to the incidences your boss noted (crying, slamming doors etc.), and regardless, had been promoted, you'd have something. The terms in themselves, "bitchy" and "whiny" aren't gender specific and prove nothing.

Now, if your company can point to some objective reasons for choosing your male co-worker, (demonstrated accomplishments beyond what you've demonstrated, greater education etc.), they're in a pretty solid position. If after you've carefully examined your company's promotion history and are confident that you have verifiable facts in your favor, either call the CT Commission on Human Rights or your own attorney. For those of you in a similar situation in another state, MA has MCAD (MA Commission Against Discrimination) as does Vermont, NY, Rhode Island and PA.

Regardless of what you do with any legal claim, my suggestion is to honestly analyze your behavior and reactions and immediately start working on alternative ways to release your stress. Door slamming or crying wouldn't cut it in any company, including all female operations. Your responses to tough situations would not give any boss or staff a confidence in your levelheaded leadership abilities.

Whatever your next step, don't make excuses for yourself and poo-poo your "female" responses as acceptable. They're clearly not getting you anywhere now and won't-at least not where anyone is seeking a professional role model.

Good luck.

Dear Kathryn:

If I hear one more time "daycare beckons, got to go", I'll vomit.

I'm a mid-level manager along with seven other managers at our company, however it's the same two of us that get holding the bag, working the late-night hours. Why? Not because we're so incredibly talented, but because the daycare whiners that say they can't be late-- they're charged an extra dollar a minute for every minute after 5:30. My answer-- get a less-responsible job. Management duties come with management hours. I mentioned this to our vice-president in charge of my operation twice and nothing changed.

Other than leave this company, what else can us two slaves do to get some compensation, recognition and time for cocktails instead of working non-stop? By the way, when I suggested the day care whiners come in early to pull their share, they responded "daycare doesn't open until 7:00." What can we do about this?

TAMMY R., & PAUL E., Braintree, MA

Dear Put-upon in Braintree :

I hear your grief loud and clear and here's my suggestion.

For the next month, document all the hours you pull past 5:00. Specifically list what you accomplish, and carry it one step further by showing what the ultimate goal and accomplishment that was achieved, and couldn't have been if you guys hadn't the fortitude and dedication to work the extra hours. Bring this verifiable record of your efforts and achievements to the vice-president in a private meeting.

Open by stating how you love the company, your job etc., however it's clearly evident by the materials you're presenting that you and your associate are the individuals pulling the extra hours to accomplish the great feats you've chalked up.

Don't get negative about your daycare co-workers and instead focus on the hours you've put in. State that in exchange for your extraordinary efforts, you'd like to schedule comp days. If your supervisor says that's impossible for whatever reason, point out that while you love your job, it's clearly not equitable that you are pulling ten, fifteen hours more than others without any consideration.

Plop the ball in his court and ask him what he'd then consider a fair solution so that work is better distributed to alleviate your staying late regularly. If you still get nowhere, start having definite after-work plans and leave when everyone else does.

Squeaky wheels do get the grease. However, if your squeaks still result in no grease from boss-man, it's obvious that your efforts are not valued and you should find a job where they are.